I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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