If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
