Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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