So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
