If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
