I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need a beard to bite.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
