Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
