remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
