There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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