you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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