I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
