If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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