Just fell off a train. Bad.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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