Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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