oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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