You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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