im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
