My sheets look like a crime scene.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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