Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize