Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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