I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
