I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
