Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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