She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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