i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
