My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I supernannyed him into submission
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
