he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Still dying that you shit outside
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
