Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
