i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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