Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Will you blow on my dice?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
