When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
