Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
