Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
