Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
