She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
