White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
