Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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