i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
