This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
