Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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