I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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