I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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