He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
