He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
