fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Randomize
