Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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