eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
