I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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