I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she was so not down for the gang bang
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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