i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
